When i talk, will you listen ?

The Truth Is ...

2011-03-28T21:04:00.007+01:00

So much time has passed since i last posted a blog on here. And so many things have happened. I've said goodbye to some people and hello to others, felt passion for one and felt hatred for many. In the last 6 months i have loved and lost. Some say its better to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all. I still say otherwise.

Love is painful. It puts you on the highest cloud in the world and then in split seconds things come crashing down to earth.
Love is sensual. When you can spend a night making love to that one person who makes you feel at your sexiest.
Love is adventure. Trying new things, experimenting with your emotions.
Love is incredible. Feeling inspired, motivated, worthy.
Love is fulfilling. Being with the one you love and feeling complete like the holes in your heart have been mended.

He is everything to me. The way we'll be cuddled up on his bed watching TV and i look up at him and see his strong jaw line, perfect lips, adorable nose, deep eyes and his cute freckles that you have to get close to see. Then feeling down his body, the neck that i always long to kiss, his chest and masculine shoulders. God his body, the thoughts i have about his body. The hair that trails down into his boxers. The perfect package. His strong legs, the way his arms wrapped around me, the way he held my hand, the way he would sub-consciously sweeps his hair out of his eyes. I describe him like he was some character from a book but to me he is. Everything that i saw in his eyes was what i wanted. And i had it. He was mine, he took care of me, he protected me and with him i was safe.

So what a fool i was when i ruined my picturesque relationship for the attention of another guy. Why do we do these things? Cant we see what is right in front of us? Its like i had a blindfold on. The perfect boyfriend who had stuck the last 6 months out with me whilst we went through terrible situations, situations that pressured everything we balanced on. One minute he was there, the next i had thrown "us" away.

It would have been so easy for him to throw in the towel and say good riddance. But for some reason he's still around. We're friends and that's ok, because i still want him in my life. In fact i couldn't imagine like without him. He is my world, and I'd be lost if he just walked away from me. Thinking reasonably, he couldn't just forget about me. We have 11 hours of lessons together a week. Its not like he could forget that the girl sitting next to him had caused him so much pain. The only thing that's hard is acting like I'm just his friend when all i want to do is cheer him up, kiss his lips and tell him it will all be ok.

We spent a day in the sun last Wednesday and it was the most perfect couple hours i could have ever wished for. It reminded me of the first day i came to his house, we smoked, we drank and we cuddled up on the hammock. That was a day i will never forget. We were having a laugh, wrestling on the grass. On so many occasions i could have pressed my lips against his and just forgotten about all the pain, but i resisted. Because it wasn't right, i had hurt him and i should be thankful enough that I'm still in his life.

We used to talk about growing old together, moving abroad, travelling the world, starting a family, getting married. I had shattered all of these dreams. But i wanted them back. I know that its so much to ask that he should just forgive me and get over the broken heart like it was a paper cut. But i wasn't about to let go of the man that i wanted in my life until i was old and grey.

Communication started to go down hill, one day we would be able to have amazing conversations about anything and everything. Then all of a sudden it was like we had no interest in each other, nothing to talk about.

I miss him, every day i miss him a little bit more. When I'm sat in class wondering if he'll come in today, looking at that empty seat next to me and remembering how we used to hold hands under the table. How he would sneakily run his hand up my thigh and i would melt under his touch. When I'm lying in bed, hoping that any second i would feel his arms wrap around my body and pull me closer towards him. Remembering how he used to look at me and smile, when he would give me that cheeky wink that gave me an instant smile.

I cant stand life without him, and every minute that passes feels like it lasts an hour. I love him to my bitter core, i nag him about everything but its only because i care about him with all my heart.

Tomorrow would have been our 6 months. Can you believe that.

The truth is, i love you Arthur.
I wish i could turn back time,
I wish i hadn't of ruined everything we had made,
I wish i could hold you like i wanted to,
I wish you were still mine.

happy now ???

2010-10-08T15:17:00.002+01:00

Jake isn't satisfied with his blog. So here is his new post.

Jake is amazing because .....

HE HAS GREAT MUSIC TASTE
HE HAS A PINK SHIRT
HE LOVES PENIS (:

xxxx

...

2010-10-08T15:16:00.000+01:00

This is a blog for jake (:

(because he is awesome and i love him (': )

xxxx

Paranoia

2010-08-21T11:15:00.003+01:00

Shall we just face it. We've all been paranoid. Its an inevitable human instinct to feel anxiety or fear. But how do we know when its gone too far ? When the paranoia becomes a disillusion. Paranoia, in my opinion, might as well be classed as a virus. It gets inside you, eats you up, makes you sick to your stomach and can kill beautiful things. Supposedly, mentally sick people don't know that they are mentally ill. So stemming from that, how do paranoid people know that they are paranoid, when paranoia is classed as madness ?

"A paranoid is someone who knows little of whats going on." - William. S. Burroughs. So being paranoid means you know little of reality. But it doesn't stop you from thinking you know it all, you've found everything out, you know the truth from the lies. When in fact, you probably don't know the half of it.

Being paranoid is the worst thing to live with, it could start off as a simple suspicion. Some one who is a little bitter or jealous of someone, something. It will make you irritable, depressed and selfish. But who really wants to live with that. I don't expect anyone does, but can it be helped ?

Clearly being paranoid isn't something that just occurs out of the blue, there is something, someone who will trigger that feeling of doubt. Make you question things, make you think the worst. Whatever that may be, there is always something, the feeling of lack of trust, the feeling of doubt, a fear, that has been put into your head.

So whats the cure to paranoia ? Is there one ? Well unless you'd like to inject yourself with insulin, or undergo serious psychological therapy ... there is none. Its all in your head. And unless you can see except that, then how can you move forward. You need to trust those around you, be a little less fearful of everything, have faith, don't doubt things. Its obviously not as easy as it sounds. As much as maybe you'd like to forget all of the worries in the back of your mind, push them away, lock them up so they can never taint your thoughts again, you need trust, and peace of mind. But unfortunately that's something only you can get back on your own.

welcome to the good life.

2010-08-08T22:05:00.003+01:00

Hello blogger my good friend, its been a while.

I hate the feeling of not being in control. Its probably why i fear death.
This blog will be a piece of shit to read, not that anyone reads it.

Pro's in my life at the present day

I have amazing friends who are always there for me.
Even though me and my boyfriend argue, what couple doesnt.
We've been through shit and we're still very close.
My family unit is getting bigger and closer.
Im getting along with my dad again. (even if i should call him more)
Im happy and enjoying life.
Music these days is decent.
College in september. (so soon!!!)

Cons's in my life at the present day

Some people just dont know when enough is enough.

The End?

2010-07-04T22:57:00.003+01:00

In recent discussion i found a conversation that occurred, that terrifies me. What happens to us when we die? I'm not talking about the decomposition of the body, when shut in a coffin deep underground. Or even the ashes that are left once one is cremated. I'm talking about the voice inside your head that controls the feelings and emotions. Where does it go ? How will we know when 'the end', is really 'the end'? Its something that has baffled me from a young child. I must have been pretty strange to be thinking of such things at the age of 11+. I remember asking my mum this question one day. The response i got was "Well Jess, that's a very dark subject for you to be thinking about." But i couldn't stop thinking about it. Do our memory's disappear along with our thoughts? But if so then what is left when we die. Is it a total dark abyss. And even if it is, will we understand that this is death?

When conversing, it came up that do we really know where our memory came from? What triggered the mind to start working. Clearly in theoretical terms the fact that we started living must be why we started thinking. But no one really remembers what they were thinking when they were a baby. When being fed by my mother was i thinking at the time "God give me something nice to eat please woman." Or when my dad was chucking me in the air after the feeding was i thinking "Stop now or i will spewww all over you." I cant remember at all. But i know i must have been thinking something, right ?

I guess it just scares me really that after life, what is there? What do i have to look forward to, or fear? Personally i believe in reincarnation. But to be totally honest, no one knows. And that just adds to the fear. No being able to understand or decipher is something that all humans fear at some point in their life. And unfortunately death is inevitable. It will happen, its just the case of when.

All these questions and none ever to be answered. Or will they .........?

I wont waste your time with my revelation.

2010-06-29T14:13:00.004+01:00

This past week has been a strange one. I've woken up to days with no routine. My usual week days would consist of waking up at 6.30, shower, school, home, out. But its so much different now that there is no schedule to my day. I mean i can wake up when i like, do some exercise, have a shower, go out, do some errands. Im not complaining. I am LOVING this. (L)

So many good songs out at the moment, and some oldies that have crept there way back into my favourites. Miike snow is such a musical genius, everyone of his songs is different but at the same time you can tell its a miike snow song. I really really like Futures. I swear the lead singer is the same guy from tonight is goodbye ? We are scientists ... they were one of my most loved artists in the summer of 08' and they are back for summer 10'. SHUTTERBUG by big boy is an amazing song. Deaf Havana, Fly Leaf, The acadamy is, lots more.

I really just want to loose weight now. Its not fair im trying then stupid wii fit tells me i've gained weight. BULLSHIT. A lovely bikini body would be fantastic right now. Seen as my holiday is coming up, plus prom in ....2 days !!!!!!!!! ARGH. Its so soon, everything has flown by. Cannot keep up.

I'll be your commander ♫

2010-06-20T21:08:00.007+01:00

Hmm. I think blogging has become a thing of the past. Or maybe we just don't have anything interesting to say anymore. For me, life has been somewhat dull and depressing. In the last week more so. Stress, frustration and upset have been the cause of this. But I'm trying to get everything back on track. I had a crack at the old wii fit today, I've never enjoyed burning fat so much. Needs to loose a few pounds ready for holiday. My belly is finally pierced, i mean not that I've been waiting for 3 months ??? But is'alllll good.

One more exam tomorrow then i am done with the hayling college for good. Still trying to decide. Havant or Southdowns ? I'm leaning towards southdowns at the moment. Just need to give them a ring. Cannot wait for these 11 weeks off. They are going to be much appreciated. I get my 2 week holiday (but miss 2 important birthdays) deary me. Going to be beaching it up, hopefully without getting burnt too much. Spending a lovely summer with my amazing friends and my gorgeous boy. (L)

:'( On a more sad note. My bunny got taken from me the other day. There have been foxes living round sandy point for ages and one ripped my baby's cage open and took her. I've never been so shocked when i found out. My poor poor little bunny. She had the biggest most gorgeous eye's i had ever seen and she had the habit of nibbling at your clothes. I will miss her so much. To be honest i shouldn't be surprised seen as my erratic and clearly stupid neighbour had been feeding the foxes dog food. WHO DOES THIS. If i see a fox round here again someone will have to restrain me before i kick its head in. Dirty vermin scum bags.

Well that's all i can physically write for tonight. Lots more to say, more in depth and emotive things to come. But sadly for me i have a banging headache probably due to that fact that Magners has a strange affect on my brain!! Damn the deliciously tasting apple cider.

Home will always be here. Unseen.

2010-05-31T23:08:00.003+01:00

This really isnt how i do most of my blogs. I normally have something at least midly interesting to say, an opinion to express, or rather something to complain about. (apparently i moan often, pffffft, im a woman we're programed to complain) This blog is more of the typical. Weather, Music, Films, Future, End. Its depressing that i've resorted to this, but you see there is nothing that is nagging away at my brain. Nothing to complain about, nothing to express my opinion over and nothing interesting that has happened to me recently. Life is SWEET right now. Everything seems to be flowing, sometimes not very well, but its something i can settle for. Now to this stereotypical blog. Enjoy.

I realise that im really lucky to be living so close to the sea. Some people travel for miles & miles to get to the beach where as for me its a 2 minute walk from my back gate. & this is perticularly nice being that the weather has decided to perk itself up a little. I mean there was that lovely spout of sun sun sun, which left me rather burnt, but then what the hell was the rain about ??? Anyway, the heat is slowly but surely crawling back. Fingers crossed. (:
So to the entertainment side. OwlCity are back in my life. I cannot stop playing Umbrella Beach. Its just one of those songs that doesnt get old. But obviously thats just my opinion. I know a few people unwilling to even listen to them. Lights, or should i say Valerie Poxleitner. A beautiful and talented canadian girl who is actually on tour with OwlCity at the moment. Luck lucky girl. Pendulums new album is SPECTACULAR. Im rather enjoying to be frank. But there is only one band that i am listening to most and that would be Foals. (L) Total Life Forever their new album is breath taking.
Filmmmms. Sex and the city 2 !!! Seeing it on wednesday and i really cannot wait. Been watching alot of films recently. This is probably the fault of my movie obsessed boyfriend. Constantly telling me "you need to watch this", "i cant believe you haven't seen this". Watched the notebook again the other night. You know you've found a good film when you cry from start to finish. And this is one of those films.
On the otherhand, WOW i have so much to look forward to this year. Prom, which will have its awkward moments (the hummer ride for example) but i intend to make it an unforgetable night. Egypt. For 2 whole weeks i get to lye in the sun and tan. The downside is missing a very important birthday. N O T G O O D. Summer 2010 !!! Hell yes. Its going to be incredible. Nearly everyday down the beach with my favourite people. College, at last no more shitty hayling college. I dont have to see the faces of those annoying midget bitches in the years below. Mega advantage. BESTIVAL, with my amazing boyfriend. Who did i menchion is amazing (: Its going to be so mindblowing. Ellie Goulding (L) And ... Ticket for Foals in november. A present from my gorgeous boyfriend. He spoils me so so so much. Too much if you ask me.
2010 is set to be one hell of a year.

Mistakes...

2010-05-18T23:31:00.003+01:00

...should only be made once. After that you should learn from them, pick up the pieces and move forward with your life. Some thing my dad always used to tell me. I guess he felt no need as i got older. Because i was making less mistakes in life. But there came a time 2 years ago, when i let my parents down and made the biggest mistake ever. Saying that the whole of 2008 was a mistake. I crushed my mum and dad in a way that no kid ever should. And the look of dispair and dissapointment in their eye's was heart wretching. I never want them or me to be in that position again. I hurt them bad and for that im deeply sorry.

But obviously, its not just my parents i've made mistakes with. Friendships have gone completely down the drain over time. There are people whom i held very dear to me that i've pushed away untill they realise they dont want/need me anymore. If i could take it all back i would because i still miss them. People who understood me for who i am and have been happy to put up with my bonkers personality.

Some of my relationships have been killed by mistakes. I've hurt people bad. And been hurt in return, but i've realised that there's no need for that. I've always felt that in relationships every one should get a second chance. We're only human designed to make mistakes. Its like trial and error. But we can change, become better versions of our former selves. And in the long run. Not make the same mistake twice.

I look back and see how i treated my sister over our childhood so far. At times i've been such a bitch to her. God just thinking about it now i realise that she's actually such a great kid. Amazingly smart, pretty, so talented and i never tell her. I made the mistake once of pushing her in rage. Not realising how tall she had got, she pushed me back and i stumbled. This was the first time that had ever happened. And i will not be doing it again.

And i think worst of all i've made mistakes for myself. Every mistake i've made in life so far has been my fault. I've brought it all upon myself. And im not sorry for that. What ever mistake i've made is one less to be made in the future. (:

Isnt it ironic.

2010-05-18T22:41:00.002+01:00

Dontcha think . . . its like rain, on your wedding day. Its a free ride, when you already paid. Its some good advice, that you just didnt take. And who would have thought it figures. (L)

Love Love Love Love Love Love this song. Brings back some amazing memories.

Jealousy.

2010-05-11T20:57:00.002+01:00

Why are you doing this?

Im hurting inside.

It's like you dont care.

He that is not jealous is not in love.

~St. Augustine.

The future is coming.

2010-04-28T22:11:00.006+01:00

Im 16. Thats not even a quater of a way through someone's average life. How the hell am i supposed to pick a career at 16 ? Some one please tell me as my mind is completely boggled. At the moment im looking at Film studies, Drama and theatre studies, English language and Geography. Sounds decent to me. But then i get people telling me that i wont get any where with choices like that. Urrrrrrrrgh makes me mad. Everything i wanted to do has just gotten lost along the way and now i have nothing left. I have no talent in a certain academic area and im not sure what classics and drama are going to do for me later in life but its seems like all im good at for now. Who knows what im supposed to do.

If you could only see, the beast you've made of me.

2010-04-28T21:49:00.003+01:00

I've always been a big fan of Florence and the machine. I mean everyone of her songs is pure genius. May that be the work of the producers, song writers or Florence herself. But unfortunatly i feel that she has taken a dramatic turn, no longer do i find myself seeing a young, unique individual who inspired others with her meaningful lyrics and quirky sense of style. Ohhh no. Now i see her as a product of her fame. There was no need at all for her to remake the video for dog days but now i watch he tv in shame whenever i see the pale faced beauty smothered in makeup. Its not the Florence i grew to love.

Its terrible how these days people have to fight to fit in. The urge to be in a class of people, to be stereotyped. Its madness. Your either indie, prep, scene, emo or chav and who knows the other "type" of people there are these days. Stereotyping just forces those too narrow minded to think for themselves, to buy this, do that. I will never label myself as i dont feel i have a style. yes i have branded clothing (abercrombie&fitch, jackwills) but that doesnt mean i wear the clothing in the way i should.

So yes, my rant is over. All i wish for now is for florence to realise that she never needed to change for people to love her. Those who are true fans, love her for the lyrics, the voice and the music. Not for what clothes she wears. Because after all, she's a singer, not a runway model.

Oh how its been so long.

2010-04-28T21:37:00.002+01:00

It's been far too long since i have blogged. I've found myself extremely busy, but not to fear as i have written my rough idea's for blogs on my ipod. So here it comes people, 2 weeks of backlog blogging. Hopefully done in one night. This is a pre-warning. Imma spam your blogger home page now.

What if.

2010-04-16T23:42:00.004+01:00

"The saddest thing a man will ever face, is what once was."

A quote from One Tree Hill. Im absolutly in love with that program, i've watched it over and over but it still seems that i cannot get enough of it. So sue me. (: But its true. Even though this perticular quote was spoken by the nasty piece of work that is Dan Scott (only one tree hill lovers will get me here) im still able to relate.

Think about it though. What once was, the things that dont seem to be there anymore. What could have happened, what would have happened and what should have happened. There are two words, what if. How many times you've sat there and wondered. 'What would have happened if i had chosen differently.' Would i be happier, better off ? . . . Then stop thinking. The reason you chose the path you did, is because it seemed the best thing to do at the time. If the path you chose was a mistake then trust me, you'll know.

Im happy with my choices, because without them. I wouldnt be where i am today. & to be honest i love where i am today. I spend my days with the best people going. They cheer me up when im feeling crap, make me laugh, make me smile and i love them all so much (L) So in conclusion, this blog really isnt for me. Its for those who worry about making the right choice. A choice that will make you happy, without hurting the lives of others around you. So stop.... Think.... Move forward.

Worried

2010-04-14T00:05:00.003+01:00

I knew this was coming, but i didnt think i'd be this scared. I just got told yesterday that i was to be booked into the hospital on may 4th to have my tonsils removed. They have to do a prep a week before hand to see if im ok with the procedure. Im so scared. This is strange for me, im not usually one to fuss but one thing that i truely despise is ... needles. (Strange seen as i love being peirced) I guess its different though, having one needle to peirce your skin, another that will stay in you and inject you/take blood. Even the thought of it makes me cringe. They will have to ut me under a general anesthetic which means a needle being shoved into my hand. :'( Ouch. I cant say im looking forward to it much.

Spanish Sahara.

2010-04-10T12:39:00.004+01:00

Feeling a real love for Foals right now.

Their first album was killer. Antidotes.

But woahhhhh new album This Life Forever.

Its on my birthday wishlist for when it comes out atleast.

Two amazing songs to listen to

One is 'Cassius' from the first album
Second is 'Spanish Sahara' from the new one.

Just goes to show the range of Foals & how amazing their work is. (:

Im not okay. Trust me.

2010-04-08T23:33:00.002+01:00

This is basically going to be a rant, each of these points are aimed at different people. They will probably never read this or understand it was meant for them but i need to get it off my chest........

Don't mess me around. I'm not an idiot & i deserve to be treated with a little bit of respect.
You should look at what you have, appreciate it and don't try and lose it. That would be your biggest mistake yet.
I'm not blind love, i know what your doing. And i really wish you would stop doing it right in my face.
Make your mind up, you want him or you don't want him. End of.
Don't try and act all sweet and innocent. I know what your really like and to be frank, your rather stuck up your own arse.
I know your in a bad place, but don't take it out on me. I'm here to help.
There's only so much that people can take before you push them all away. Think about what your doing.
You crave attention like its air, i'm done with you. Just grow up.
God, i wish you would see me for what i really am. It takes two, & i'm giving it my all, but i need a positive response here.

Woah i'm feeling much better now.

Summer should hurry up.

2010-04-08T16:14:00.005+01:00

Its been a while since I've posted anything. It seems I've been pretty busy these days. No point in missing out an opportunity to soak up the sun. My Easter's going pretty well, i didn't expect it to be this nice. Had a trip to Gunwharf, a family gathering, lunch with the boyfriend and a night bowling. Not to mention all those lazy mornings. Lovely stuff. And you know what goes best with the sunny weather, the sound of an acoustic guitar. I swear i have an obsession with it, perhaps i do. The sound makes me happy (:

You can tell that summers coming, the warm mornings, the smell of cut grass in the air and the heat on your skin. Best time of the year if you ask me. Went out for a walk with the dog today and took him down the beach and the view was amazing. It really makes me appreciate living so close to the sea. I cant wait to be down the beach everyday. Get a lovely brown tan and show Chris up for the milky kid he is, but i think a bit of exercise is in order before i get the old bikini out. (i blame the easter eggs.) I'm looking forward to it very much.

Change & fear.

2010-04-03T11:43:00.004+01:00

I find myself changing more everyday. Not out of want or will, its an uncontrollable change. I always used to be a stubborn child, i hated change. I never liked moving house much, as it was a new surrounding. I'd much rather have just stuck to my comfort zone keeping everything how i like it. But when i moved back down to Hayling after a 2 year gap in Scotland i realised that, change wasnt so bad after all. I shared a room with my sister at the back of the house untill she decided i wasnt a good room mate and moved to the smallest room in the house. It was strange for a while, being so alone in a big room, when i was used to the company of my dearest sister. But i grew used to being alone, & infact i quite enjoyed it.
Ever since i've loved my privacy, getting a room to myself changed me, from wanting to be with someone, to wanting to be on my own all of the time. My mum doesnt like the distance i have from the rest of the family, & i know this will sound harsh, but spending time with the family isnt something i enjoy doing. It always ends up in arguements, and i would rather stay in my room, or the office. Listening to loud music, venting my feelings on random blogs, or drawing my emotions.

Recently i feel myself changing and drifting. Knowing that college is just round the corner has made me think about change. My closest friends are going to a different college to me, and im going to be alone in this new surrounding. It's frightening. I find myself contradicting my feelings. As much as i love being alone, spending quality time with myself, i also find that i have Monophobia, a fear of being alone. I know, this makes no sense at all. If i love being alone so much, why am i scared of being alone. I confuse myself sometime, god only knows what my friends and family think of me.

I also know that i have Athazagoraphobia, fear of being forgotten, it scares me knowing that when i die, thats it. No one will remember me, of course friends and family, but who else ? My life is miniscule, unimportant and unnessecary. Ghandi quotes that "Everything you do in life is insignificant, but you do it because if you dont. No one else will."

Death another fear of mine, a fear of dying, thanatophobia. I dont want to die. I know i will, and i know its only natural, but it scares me. All my thought, all my emotions will die along with me. Silence comes. I realise that im actually quite a strange character, with all my fears and contradictions. I dont know how the people in my life cope with me. I can hardly cope with myself.

You never fail to amaze me.

2010-04-01T23:24:00.004+01:00

It's strange what can make people smile these days. A kiss from a loved one, a friendly piece of advice, someone making a joke. Seeing a friend do something stupid or doing something stupid with a friend. Today i've been all kind of emotions, it was my years last assembly. We had a slideshow with pictures of all of us, good friends, old teachers, fun times. I felt a tear in my eye when i remembered that i wont see half these faces by this time next year. All those who i have been so close to for years will drift away from me, theres a whole new world outside awaiting me. Should i be scared or excited ?

I've also been extremely happy. My good friend is over from spain & seeing him after a year cheered me up. Having a half day also meant that i could see chris for longer, which made me even more happy. He bought a count duckula DVD so we could watch it & find sexual inuendo's that we would have never picked up on as kids. "ohh count duckula, what will the neighbours think." ;) It was a laugh. Went back to mine to have a takeaway with "my boy". Then to watch him perform to queen, "i want break free", dinner & a show.

Im looking forward to summer, Prom, Egypt, Wireless, chilling on the beach, sun & sea, BBQ's and piss ups. Plus i get 11 weeks off to spend lounging around getting my tan back, fooling around with the milkybar kid. & im extra excited about getting a new phone & hopefully 16GB ipod touch for my birthday in 17 days. Its come around too soon.

It might just be me, but it seems that the first 3-4 months of the year go very quickly & then the rest of the year seems to drag by untill christmas comes. Of course summer goes in a flash but thats because time fly's when your having fun. So for now i will casually wait for those 17 days to pass, spend time with friends in Brighton, go to the cinema a few times, do some hardcore revision for a day or two. No doubt these two weeks will fly by.

Chris. you make me terribly happy (:

I love ...

2010-03-31T22:21:00.007+01:00

You Me At Six.

Amazing songs,

Amazing lyrics,

Amazing band.

Plus ...

Max & Josh are pretty fine.

Saw them live last year and it was insane,

Got caught in a mosh, which was very funny.

Bumped into an old friend.

My mate lost a shoe ?

Yeah dont ask.

But ...

The best part of the night was when they played always attract. Everyone got their phones out and started swaying. Even the moshers who insisted on causing mayhem. I wont forget when Josh sang "opposites always attract." You could barely hear him over the singing of everyone else at the gig.

I shant forget my night with you me at six. Everytime i hear one of their songs i have to say ....

"You me at six are amazing live." (:

So on the theme of You Me At Six, song of the day is Always Attract. Its in my top ten of best songs of all time for sure.

Im only human

2010-03-29T23:06:00.004+01:00

Give me a break ...

Im not perfect & i certaintly make mistakes BUT thats what makes me who i am. I have my down days & i have days where im so happy i wont shut up. I can be a moody bitch when im pissed off, i can be over the top hyper and there are even times where i act like a complete lunatic. And in the end 'i dont care' what people say. Those who i want in my life i try and keep close and the rest, well in the nicest way possible, fuck the rest. Im content with my life right now & i intend on keeping it that way.

Song For The Day.

To be honest... anything by City & Colour.
As i menchion in alot of my past blogs.
The sound of an acoustic guitar pretty much gets me wet.

p.s. chris has a massive cock. ;)

Do you think our love can make miracles ?

2010-03-28T22:32:00.006+01:00

I feel its time for a new post.

My aim for everyday is to try something new. Today i tried sushi, i would always pick it up when in the shop and think "Maybe next time", but this time i tried it. Absolutly hated the stuff, but at least i can say i've eaten sushi.

The real reason behind this blog isnt about sushi, its about 'the notebook'. Its one of those films that makes you think about love. I've watched this film on several occasions and everytime it manages to give me that gut wrenching, heart pounding feeling. The one that makes me long for the love that Allie & Noah share. I cant help but cry when they die together. It must be the happiest feeling in the world knowing that you've spent your life with the one you love.

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."

Song for the day - Kids In Glass Houses - Matters at all.

Happy Happy Happy

2010-03-25T17:29:00.004Z

Hmm, even though the weather is extremely dull today im in a very lovely mood (: Its strange because i've been threatened, stalked and ignored today. And i couldnt give a toss because i have a lovely boyfriend, great friends & a wonderfull family. Life's on a high.

SONG FOR THE DAY ......

Angels and Airwaves - Secret Crowds

Love this song so much. Its an old one but the lyrics are great and on a plus Tom Delonge's voice is like smooth sex (:

Thought.

2010-03-24T23:03:00.003Z

Its late and im shattered. I wouldnt mind catching up on some sleep right now, but there are too many thoughts running over my head. Life would be so much easier if there was just a stop button.

I find myself thinking far too much these days. There are somethings better left uncovered by the inner workings of the human brain.

There's always something going on these days and it feels like im going to go into meltdown. The smallest things trigger me off, and i either become annoyed, angry, heartless. GRR SOME PEOPLE SHOULD GO DIE.

Watching Armegeddon tonight got be remembering my dad watching it with me when i was little and crying, telling me that he would do that for me. He would be the hero who saves my day. After all thats happened he's still my dad.

Listen to Aerosmith - I dont want to miss a thing. (L)

Because seriously. I dont want to miss a thing.

PUNKBITCH.

2010-03-23T21:35:00.005Z

I was going to do a blog about how bad i want a lip piercing but its such a petty thing to discuss. About 5 minutes ago i found out some terrible news. It made me go into deep thought about life. When worst comes to worst do you just end it yourself ? But thats the thing. How do you know when life is at its lowest point ? Is it selfish to commit suicide ? Or is it acceptable ? So many questions and so many opinions.

"To die in order to avoid the pains of poverty, love, or anything that is disagreeable, is not the part of a brave man, but of a coward." - Aristotle.

I find that there are many things rushing around my head as i write this. When i was younger, there were times when i was in a bad place. My family life was a wreck and the word 'friend' meant nothing to me. I turned to MCR and emotional music, dyed my hair black & hardly spoke a word to anyone. I self harmed and didnt think anything of it, untill one day i started getting suicidal thoughts. I didnt think that anyone would miss me. The strange quiet girl. Maybe it was better if i was gone, but i could never bring myself to do it. I guess i didnt have the guts. Because if you think about it, you have to have a strong stomach to be able to end your life with a bullet, a knife or some rope.

All the time that i was thinking that my life was utter crap & not worth living, when there are people out there struggling to live another day. Looking back i feel pretty selfish. But no one ever understood the pain and suffering. Just as i never thought to look twice at them. I thought they had a usual life. I guess you can never truly see behind closed doors.

Just because this is ironic...

The song for the day is Famous Last Words - MCR.

Before i forget.

2010-03-21T23:57:00.001Z

Have a listen to ...

the fray - heartless.

Terribly good.

My manic & i.

2010-03-21T20:21:00.006Z

Laura Marling has a very beautiful voice. Oh god how i love the sound of an acoustic guitar.

Im thinking that i'd very much like to take up photography.

On another note, i believe im dying my hair more red tomorrow. Which will probably be tragical. We shall see.

Im not really in the blogging mood anymore.

Rejected & Bored.

2010-03-19T11:42:00.005Z

If you want to understand this post,

please type lol limewire into google & click, im feeling lucky ;)

you will then understand the utter retardness that is, KATIE&JESS

(8) DO WHAT YOU WANT CUZ A PIRATE IS FREE

YOU ARE A PIRATE

YO HO FIDDLE ME DEE

YOU ARE A PIRATE. (8)

Batman && The Cadbury Gorilla (:

I Love You Lotssss KatieAlice.

Love Your Robin JessicaJane.

x x x

Oligarchy, Monarchy, Democracy etc ...

2010-03-18T11:17:00.006Z

As i sit here doing re-reading my classics essay, i cant barely remember why i bothered to take this subject. I mean its all nonsense about myths and legends but somehow i find pretty interesting. The only downside to taking classical civilisation is the 3000+ word essay that we have to do. The question i got given consists of Spartan Politics. Im so confused, Sparta had two kings in a monarchy, an olicarchy of a small elite group called the ephores & a democracy of a group called the gerousia. How can that work ? Two kings in one rule. How perculiar. Thats something that intrigues me. Things that cant work, but they somehow end up .... working. Facsinating (:

Last night was a bit messed up. There seem to be people out there who insist on trying to ruin people's relationships. Its petty and immature and i wish they would f**k off. I've found someone who im happy with. I want to be with him. He wrote me a blog the other day because he slipped up & lied to me. It was only something petty but he realised that he made a mistake and decided to make a blog & write me a facebook message to appologise. I was so shocked. Not about the fact that he'd lied to me, i really didnt care about that. But the fact that he took the time to say sorry, the fact that he realised that he' done wrong. I was shocked because no guy i know would have done that for a girl. He makes me feel important, i love the feeling that i get when im with him and i love spending time with him.

Song of the day ..... David Guetta ft Kid Cudi - Memories.

Mumford & Sons.

2010-03-17T21:55:00.005Z

I've decided that because music is such a big part of my life i will do a song of the day, everyday. Today the song is White Blank Page - Mumford & Sons.

My mums boyfriend first introduced me to Mumford & Sons as he heard them on Zane Lowe & thought i would like them. He's very up to date with the NME charts.

This song appeals to me today. I've always had a thing for the sound of an acoustic guitar but throw in a banjo and a ukulele & im sold. The lyrics, on the plus side, are truly beautiful.

"Can you lye next to her and give her your heart, as well as your body and soul. And can you lye next to her and confess your love, as well as your folly."

The question to ask is ....... Can you ?

There's a first for everything.

2010-03-16T19:40:00.002Z

My dad used to say to me, there's a first time for everything & that you should never make the same mistake twice. There is a first time for everything, & im excited as to what new things there are for me to try in the world. There's your first car, your first house, your first baby. I cant wait for each day that brings something new. As for the mistakes i've learnt from mine. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

The boyfriend met my mum and sister for the first time the other day. How exciting. It wasnt to bad. I think he handled it pretty well. After dinner we got to discussing fucked up fingers, & how he has mentally retarded hands that cannot function properly. Bless him. Then he confused me with his back slang & pig latin. Which i managed to catch onto quickly. Then just as i make him loose his intelligence, (he cant speak french around me) i lost mine & became pretty utterly crap at re-arranging words. Then he tried to get a mark off his face with something that would have done him no use ;) He still needs to take some pictures.

Im getting really into The Police tonight. I keep listening to 'Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic'. Its one of those songs that triggers a memory. & This one takes me back to early childhood dancing around in my livingroom when my dad had it on the stereo whilst working on the garden. Good Good Times.

Batman & The Gorilla. Love you long time my darling KatieAlice. (:

Oh my.

2010-03-15T22:51:00.005Z

HEADACHE = NOT FUN.

Free fallin'

2010-03-14T20:27:00.003Z

My love for Owl City is ever growing. Im not sure whats going on, but my taste in music has become somewhat erratic. In a day i can listen to metallica, does it offend you, yeah?, jay z, chase & status, black eyed peas, panic at the disco and mumford & sons. John Mayers voice could send me to sleep, its pretty smooth.

Today has been absolutly lovely. The weather has been gorgeous & has made me happy all day. Made my muma breakfast & then played some wii fit. Trying to eat healthy & get some more excercise done before Egypt. Saw christophski & beat him at poker. OUCH. Getting beat by a girl. Who, may i add, didnt even know how to play (:

Not really looking forward to more work tomorrow, my brian is frying. Plus i have a classics essay to do & 3 drama essays. Oh deary me. But for now i will sit in my room on my lonesome, listen to tigers & sharks and the other 1500 odd songs on my itunes whilst facebook gives me grief.

The concept of friendship & love

2010-03-14T12:24:00.003Z

Friendship is the inexplainable feeling of comfort with another person. Being able to share feelings and emotions without having to think before you speak. Poring out words like a pen to paper. Expressing anger, love, happiness. Knowing that they can make you feel safe and in return you give them the same feeling.

Its hard to find a true friendship in this strange world we live in. There are only 3 people i know who i have that kind of relationship with. One of them lives in havant so i miss her alot. One i've known since i was little & One i can be a total idiot around. I love them all like sisters.

The definition of love on the other hand varies from who ever you ask. Love makes people feel. it could be the warm feeling you get in the pit of your stomache when they touche you. The butterflies you get in your stomache when they kiss you. The smile you get when you see them looking at you.

I guess you never really know what love is. Its a word, an emotion, a feeling. But how do you know when your really truly in love ? Its complicated & it rattles my brain. WHAT IS LOVE ?

Live for today.

2010-03-13T22:42:00.004Z

What would you do if there was an armageddon right this minute? What would you be thinking? What would you feel? Would you regret the past & long for the future, or would you die happily leaving the world on a high. Many people i know would regret, regret their decisions & choices. Personally i would leave the world knowing that every minute, every experience, every risk i took was all worth while. There are times in my life when i feel the world is against me, but there is always a posative to every negative. You just need to keep your chin up, take a deep breath and face life head on.

I belive in the ways of Busshism. Their culture and religion fascinates me. I beleive in Karma, the rebirth of your soul, the noble eightfold & the noble truths of craving. I never crave things as buddhists believe that craving causes suffering & to be fair, they're right. If us humans didnt feel the need to crave power, money, exsistance then suffering wouldnt happen. I dont follow the practice of buddah's only their methods.

In this life i hope to try new experiences, take risks, learn to be more patient, test my knowledge, test my stamina. One thing i would love to do is skydive. To know that you are falling with only a sheet of material on your back to save you from death on impact, that feeling must be the best feeling of all time. They say adrenaline is the best drug. I plan on testing that.

But at the moment, i go through a routine week. School, weekend, school, weekend. I cant wait to be living my own life without barriers in my way. Being able to achieve all i can. Live up to my own expectations. Lets just hope that the armageddon doesnt come too soon.

Read between the lines ...

2010-03-13T11:13:00.004Z

That thing you want. That thing that feels 100 miles away. Its yours. It always has been. All you have to do is go & get it, with starry eyes and butterflies ...

hmmm ....

2010-03-12T22:49:00.002Z

Its late & my brain is going over so many things at the moment. I could really do with sleep, but i feel that if i dont get this off my chest i wont sleep very well.

You know when your standing with the person you really like, but you know they're about to say something utterly devestating. You go weak at the knee's, you hold back the emotions and act like everythings ok, biting your lip in hope that you dont have to say anything brash. As he walked me home, i was constantly expecting him to turn to me and say that what we had could never be anything more.

I dont understand why people have to get involved, and make their opinion known to everyone. But they do. I just wish their petty involvement didnt have such an effect on my life.

So tonight has been one full of emotions, negatives and positives. I plan on getting into bed now & forgetting all about my troubles. Or at least try to.

If i was a raindrop, would you be my thunderstorm ?

2010-03-11T21:50:00.007Z

Its strange how, after seeing someone for a short period of time, you can suddenly find yourself completely comfortable around them. As we sat there listening to music on his bed i thought "i could really get used to this." When im with him its like all i can do is smile, & when im not smiling its because im laughing my head off at his attempt at putting my clothes on. Skinnie jeans + checkered shirt +cardigan = a very good looking chap ;) Somehow it just felt like we had been that close for ages. Laughing and messing around. Drawing lyrics and doodling on that page (which i expect to be up on the ceiling somewhere when i come over >.<) Even though it was a very chilled evening, it was probably the most fun i've had in a long time.

My sister seems to think that chris looks like sean smith from the blackout. She's also nicknamed him the milkybar kid, well i guess you know your accepted when you've got a nickname.

P.s for chris ...
The lyrics in the title are on 'the page' (:
Owl City - Butterfly wings. x

STRESS

2010-03-11T11:13:00.002Z

Basically ...... my head is about to explode.

I dislike incompetence & when people do it just to be rude i get in a pretty bad R A G E. It doesnt help much that i have so much to do in the next week or so. Im all Stressed and MERH!

Listening to heavy music normally puts me in a worse mood because i get all hyped up, but i cant stop listening to Dance Gavin Dance. Its probably time for Ellie Goulding to step back into my life.

Thankgod i have something to look forward to at the end of the day, or i would have killed myself long before writing this blog.

City & Colour

2010-03-10T22:41:00.002Z

♫ So go on

And I will refrain

And I'll keep on running this neverending race

maybe next time will be the right time

and maybe next time will be your time.

So save your scissors

For someone else's skin

My surface is so tough

I don't think the blade will dig in

Save your strength

Save your wasted time

There's no way that

I want you to be left behind

Go on save your scissors. ♫

You Cant Hurt Me.

So Dont Bother Trying (:

Where'd all the good people go?

2010-03-10T11:15:00.006Z

Going to see Alice In Wonderland in 5ish hours. To be honest i'm pretty excited to see Johnny Depp acting like a total nutter. Apparently im the Mad Hatter of the group, i dont take offence to that, i cant really argue (:

Tash is deffintaly the Cheshire Cat with her big grin, Beth would be Alice with her lovely blonde hair, Roxy would be the White Rabbit due to her addiction to things being organised. I would say who i thought the Queen of hearts would be, but that could be taken in offence. So i better not.

So im sat here in my free period listening to the mellow sound of Jack Johnson and his lovely guitar. Tash is still trying to do her Geography coursework. Poor thing. I've got nothing to do. I should be doing the yearbook, & i would be, if the website wasnt cocked up. Hmm, back to doing nothing then ...

Christophski Saunders.

2010-03-10T00:24:00.001Z

Who's this ?

One simple question, like "do you want fries with that?" or "whats the square root of 2765?" Questions get asked everyday by everyone. Its probably impossible to go a day without asking at least 10 questions. I dont know why, but this was the question i wanted to ask him. Who was this random guy signing in on msn? & Why do i have him on my contacts? So instead of doing my usual, block & delete. I asked him ... Who's this ?

Everytime i talk to him he makes me smile, even if we're running away from imaginary bulls and being utter rebels ... screaming "FUCK IT" just to let off a bit of energy ... running up hills of sand ... catching stars ... or just laying in bed cuddled up watching people get their eye's burned out with blow torches. He always makes me smile. Its not just a 'shy girl' smile, its a 'i love being around you' smile.

He's the kind of guy who gives you his jacket when walking you home, even though all he's wearing is a polo shirt and freezing himself. & even when you try to refuse his kindness. He wont take it back untill your safe and warm yourself. The kind of guy who tells you your Beautiful. Not fit, sext, hot. He kisses you on the head when your cuddled up, just to show that he's thinking about you. & he does it all for me.

No wonder im so happy

Just a thought ...

2010-03-09T23:22:00.003Z

Its odd what comes to you as you lay in bed wondering about the days ahead. As i lye here doing exactly that, im thinking about a bunch of different things. Friends, money, work, family, love. I've found myself becoming lost in life. Everything comes and goes too quickly for me to even find the time.

Off to see Alice In Wonderland tomorrow, im pretty excited. Me and Midge replayed the trailer over & over in I.T. just to hear Johnny Depp repeat "Alice your terribly late, how naughty." His voice just made me laugh. Im looking forward to spending time with some amazing people & just having a good ol' giggle.

Now with my friend situation, its got to the stage where i wonder why they even bother with her ? She blatently doesnt care about them, she seeks out attention like its air, she's got the most foul mood & she treats them like rubbish. Im glad i managed to put my foot down and demand a little respect, but i dont want to think about them getting hurt by her cruel ways. I guess its their mistake to make.

Give it to me baby like, Boom Boom Boom ;)

2010-03-09T08:53:00.004Z

Natasha Kate Jeal. aka. Midget

My Little Green Elf.

The very small toothless lisping friend, (with an eye problem)

Born on 23rd July 1994.

The day she met me was the best day of her life but thats pretty obvious.

She bought my house :')

I love her lots & lots & our crazy antics in the changing rooms of stores all over the south of england >.<

Friends for 12 years & we are blatently secret lovers (but shusssssh)

She's cute really, im making her sound like a right little gremlin who lives under the beds of small children & eats them at night.

Right now, she's sitting next to me rattling her brain on geography course work. Bless her >.<

<--- This picture was taken last year on my birthday, as you can see she faced raped me on my bed. GOOD TIMES

She makes dirty words sound pretty

2010-03-08T22:52:00.003Z

My mouth is killing me right now, i really should wear my retainer more often. I love not having to smile & flash some metal at people now, its a real confidence booster to know that you have amazingly straight teeth. I was looking back over last summer snaps earlier and i thought to myself, 'wow, i've changed so much.' the braces are gone, my long locks have now been chopped off, & the blonde i once was is now a spicey red. Im liking the new look. (:

Dance Gavin Dance. ♫

2010-03-08T21:25:00.005Z

Ahh, my new found obsession. DANCE GAVIN DANCE. Im really into them at the moment, all im listening to. I'll probably be sick of them in a week or so, due to overplaying of their songs. Today i've been on a high, everythings going right, but all that goes up. must come down.

I think i should become a total loner, an emo in the corner who keeps the headphones in haha (: Friends are such an issue, i mean, if your friends with someone you dont bitch about them, make them feel unworthy or put them down. Right ? Well, thats what i was brought up with. Who knows maybe im wrong.

The suns been so lovely the past couple of days, im so looking forward to spending 11 weeks doing nothing but sunbathing, swimming, eating bbq's and drinking till im passed out. Summer 2010' will be one to remember. I'll make sure of it.

Dry your eye's mate.

2010-03-07T23:07:00.003Z

I've posted to much tonight, but hey, another one wont hurt. So i've decided not to get anoyed by the petty things in life. I'll take everything as it comes. As Ronan Keating rightly says', "Life is a rollercoaster, you just gotta ride it."

Im in the mood for some mellow acoustic at the moment, to chill me out. Time to wack out some city & colour me thinks.

FML

2010-03-07T20:14:00.002Z

I should learn to keep my mouth shut. 24 hours ago everything was brilliant. Now i feel like such an idiot.

Boys ...

2010-03-07T18:55:00.003Z

The picture says it all. Im so CONFUSED !

(8) With every single letter, & every single word. There will be a hidden message about a boy who loves a girl.

sun & sea

2010-03-07T17:49:00.002Z

Ok, so its not officially summer. Heck, its only just got into spring, but that sun today was pretty gorgeous. Planned on having a bbq on the beach with a few friends but the greedy lads had it before us girls got there. The cheek of it ! I really should have been doing coursework today. Im putting it off, which is just like me. Im terrible with deadlines.

So Chris, that guy, has asked that i call him by his real name & not keep his identity a secret (: But that's all im going to say on that, because he's probably going to read this.

I now have red hair. Not as bright as i wanted it but it'll do. I've always loved being different, having a unique streak to my dull life. Im thinking i should do a hayley williams & put some blonde in with the red. Could be good.

Life is amazing at the moment. (:

Laugh it all off.

2010-03-05T22:23:00.002Z

There's so many things happening in life at the moment i'm finding it hard to catch my breath. School is hectic, everything is either revision or coursework & i really cannot wait to start college in september. Friendships are a nightmare at this age. I get it, hormones and everything but you cant blame it on that forever. Some people just have the tendancy to piss you right off & they know it. But who cares, i just laugh it all off most of the time & think "Hey, who needs ya?". Then there's him. That guy. The one i've been meeting with for the last weekish. He's pretty amazing and i cant help but love being around him & his charming ways.

March is set to be a busy month. I just pray i can cope with the stress of up coming events. (: